Manju Jois: Day 5 Nonattachment’s For The Monks

Yes, yes great drive. Should have taken a shower before I went. Got to eat Manju’s lunch today, idli and cilantro chutney, and practice was great. Thinking of myself though...not happening in a good way.

As much as some people have tried to push onto me I am not a monk. I am not a buddha. I am not Jesus. I am just me and I struggle with that. All the talking about nonattachment and lose one’s ego affects my vision of myself. You want nonattachment well the easiest thing for me to forget about is me. What do I matter in the grand scheme. People suffer in this world and I’m able to drive to Florida for a yoga workshop. Fuck me. This gets enforced in me with a feeling leaked into the “yoga” world that the ego needs shattering. What if I never had one(I’m sure I do have one don’t get me wrong). What am I shattering with no ego?

I shatter any remaining awareness of my needs. My self crumbles along with my self-esteem, self-worth, confidence. Leaving me to think of others before myself. Which makes my want to put other’s needs in front of mine superficial. Probably just feeding their hungry ego. And everyone’s empty at the end.

I am not a monk. I may have made a good one but not in this life. I have been awarded with the opportunity to spare some devotion for myself. I bet monks even do things to stay happy. Am I? Fuck life right. Life is not easy.

I am not a buddha. I may have made a good one...I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t know the first place to start. I thought it would be kindness but as life goes on I learn that I don’t know the difference between “correct” kindness and facade kindness.

I am not Jesus. I may look similar to how the west depicts the maybe historical maybe not middle eastern figure but I don’t have the confidence to start revolution. You could nail be to a stake for pain does remind me I’m alive.

People loose so many powerful words in the western world. Loose these words without thinking of their effects. Words like forget yourself, be nonattachment, “puff out your kidneys,” or much worse phrases. Some of us take these to heart. A teacher said them they must have meaning behind them. I bring the words into my life. I dig myself into a nice deep hole. Dark to shield my vision. Dark, beginning to forget which way is up. Their is that bright star in the sky that passes over top and reveals the exit. Thankful I do yoga and wish I was some kind of ninja. I may be able to plant my hands and feet on the sides of these dirty walls and climb from this hole. Then plop an outhouse over it and shit in it while thinking of myself and how I can be happy. Through finding myself happiness I show others that it’s possible. Go back to being an example and not a self-prescribed servant. Easy to say.

I am Shiva but we’re all Shiva.

Manju Jois: Day 4 I Can’t Eat

Manju Jois: Day 4 I Can’t Eat

Day 3 ended with an eggplant dish and the same goes for Day 4. I love eggplant. Raw or under cooked it’s horrible. When some lovely person cooks it right this meaty vegetable becomes a divine dish of the gods. I’m not eating them at the moment. I have been plagued with hives for a few years now and finally have taken action in a serious way to see if it is food casing them. So I’m avoiding the foods recommended not to eat if one has a histamine intolerance. Eggplant’s right there. One of my favorite things to eat. Tomatoes are on the list. So much has tomato in it. Spinach, avocado, cashew, citrus. These are the things I eat though.

Shit.

I now know a small sliver off what someone with a real food allergy has to go though. I’m sorry. I know a sorry does help much but not being able to just shovel food in my mouth is trying. I can’t imagine what it must be to worry that something you eat might kill you. I enjoy eating. Even more these days because I eat so much more. Meaning variety.

Manju talked about eating and it was refreshing. No dogma behind it just to listen to what your body tells you. It might be hard for someone who grew up eating meat to force themselves to stop immediately when they start yoga.

Remind me to write a blog on what yoga is one day.

They don’t have to. They can continue eating how they feel they need to. It may change and Manju says when the body tells you that a change should happen then that is when a change can happen. Listen. Much like the way he teaches assisting. Be aware of the student be aware of what the asana is asking. Move the student in the direction the asana brings them. A state towards relax. As relaxed as one can be twisted up in some posture. The spine moves in a way that’s healthful. The posture should feel grounded. Pain free.

It’s been a good workshop. No, it’s been a comfortable workshop. Don’t know if it’s the people, the teachers, the space but the vibe is so relaxed I feel comfortable in kapotasana. Today I more or less grabbed my heels on my own. Shit the bed man. Shit the bed. It’s so chill that I have to describe it using the word “chill.” I don’t like using that word. Some how I built up a resistance to the words “cool” and “chill” during my high school years. That’s probably a story for my therapist and I. If nothing else I hope I can retain this and bring it into my own classes. The vibe I leak out into them is not always the best for learning and relaxing. That might just be me thinking that though. Over-thinking.

I want to have fun in my classes. I am scared though. Scared that if I loosen up I will lose something. I can’t think of what that something might be. I try to think of it real hard though so I can legitimize my thought. That’s not working so maybe try to be truer to yourself and feel freedom in your class. Sorry talking to myself there for a second.

Have a great day. I think writing these “blogs” a little shorter is better for everyone.

Manju Jois: Day 3 My Embarrassment Comes Off As Humble

I got a good night of sleep and decided to go into 3rd series after 2nd. The beginning of 3rd has many fancy leg behind the head postures. For that matter 2nd is fun to watch. For that matter its fun to watch anyone do asana. People manipulating their body into mudra. Trying to heal themselves. Trying to keep themselves healthy. Great stuff. And when someone does some mixed feat of strength and flexibility, wow.

I do get a little embarrassed when someone comes up to me and says, “Your practice. Inspiring. You’re so good. I could feel the energy from it.” I nervous chuckle and say thank you or make some excuse like I’ve just had time on my side. Not to say that I don’t appreciate the compliment but I wish I could own it a little better. Or not. Would that then come off as cocky and send a wrong message. I don’t know what I’m doing. So many people I meet seem to know what they’re doing. All I can do is jump around and throw a leg over my head from time to time. Then I don’t really talk to people and worry that I come off as an asshole or send of to much of a mysterious vibe. There’s not much mystery here.

Then the psychologist talks with me about how great it was to practice beside me. She tells me such nice things that I have to hold back tears. Then I feel bad that I didn’t notice her at all. I don’t notice much other than my practice when it goes well. I guess I feel a kind of energy in the room. At least I can tell if it is a calm, up, down, or serious feeling in the atmosphere. Perhaps I’m not as aware of practice as I think I am. I do know that I need to be less serious.

“Why so serious?”

I have no good answer for that. That’s a lie I do. So serious because I have found out that less people interact with you when your serious. I think I fear interaction a bit. Yet I crave it. So much good gains come from it. So much.

Less bird on the way home today. Hope your day was well. And your puppies learn and behave.

Manju Jois: Day 2 You My Bird Buddy

Stayed up way too late. I was tired. Thought I would go to sleep but then I’m wide awake. I decided to watch a show. Not a good thing before bed. Oh boy. Ah, whatever. I can sleep when I’m dead.

Beautiful morning in the glory that is South Florida in January. Coming back home...what a mental chore. I’m filled with memories and nostalgia. I wonder why I’m not here. And that feeling is quickly changed by people filling the streets. Pastel walls of struggling to move flesh. Blind to what happens around them. Blind to what happens to Florida. Why are these people driving giant pick-ups that aren’t for work. Why are you so unconscious to those around you. Why does your pale polo-shirt drive me mad. My own bias. My own bias. We’re all ignorant in our own special way. I should have eaten more yesterday.

Another day another practice. I brought myself through second today and it was smooth despite it being not a great breath day. Tomorrow will be different. Maybe worse maybe better. I’ll have to wait and see. I’m not quite sure I let second series work its magic on me completely. This opening up I resist. I’m strong, my leg wants to go behind my head most days, and I can work on the breath moving me from asana to asana. The deep emotional work of second becomes the trail. I’m supposed to ball up those feelings and pushed deep inside.

Maybe I’m over analyzing. Maybe I want problems so I try to find them. Maybe I’m not as relaxed I let on. Maybe I am.

New stuff! At the last breathing exercises of practice I am told I’m skipping some things. What? After baddha padmasana Yoga mudra Manju(his helper mostly) adds a few more seated breathing tasks. Interlace fingers, palms pushing away flat, and straight arms over head. Ten breath. Arms stay but fold. Relax hands. Ten breath. Sit up. Hands come to dhyana mudra. Ten breath. Continue as “normal.”

Interesting, I hope I can remember to ask what these new breathing task are all about. My default is to just listen and do without asking why. Is this a struggle for others? I see the benefit to both and I see the destruction that not asking why could bring. If I follow a bad person blindly there’s no benefit to this until I learn to see. When sight is never granted my blind faith will spread the teacher’s ill faith. What harm can a question bring? It takes time? I have time.

Practice was nice. I don’t think there has been a time I didn’t enjoy practice after I finished. “After” being the key word. Colon, space, close parenthesis.

Break time. Eat an apple and take myself for a shoeless stroll through the empty city with a full parking-lot. Where are all the people?

Today’s assisting lesson begins with dandasana and a nice massage and ends with janu sirsasana and no hands. Manju’s all about the person in the asana being relaxed as much as possible. And his assists do this. I would say that someone a teacher doesn’t know may feel odd or worse when the teacher trots over and rubs their trapezius. It does feel nice though and the teacher can simply ask the student how they feel about that. A teacher should ask the student if pushing, pulling, rubbing, hands-on is okay always. I know I don’t but I am getting better at it.

Neck relaxing and into Pashimattanasana.

A bit of a confidence buster today. The assist for all these sitting postures are more or less what I do in my own classes. I always have a worry that I don’t know what I’m doing. Or worse that I haven’t learned or retained any knowledge. There it is. Ground the student. Move in the direction of the asana. Don’t over do it. Not all asanas need physical assistance and props are fine. Plus the added reminder of the teacher should not be hurting themself by assisting. Got to keep that in mind.

I don’t remember if I was told to not assist physically in janu sirsasana B or if I came up with that on my own. Either way this is a great posture to not touch a student. The heel of the foot is already in a sensitive area and you could have been helping them on less sensitive forward folds before B. Same goes for C. The student has been folding for eight asanas prior. If their head is not down yet help them next class. Let the heel do its healing on its own. Let the student work on finding comfort on their own. A teacher will not always be around. Teachers come and go but practice stays. The more comfortable practice is the easier it is to want to do it.

Practice contains more than just asana. A student needs morals, pranayama, mediation. All together making up Yoga. Chant to bring words into your spirit. Mudra to connect to a higher self. Pranayama to face death. Asana to live. We all do Yoga. I may go about it different than you but we’re the same.

The drive home. Along the Indian River intracoastal and full of bird friends. The turkey vulture I saw yesterday soars in the same spot today. The ibis flock grew. The sandhill found a friend. Of course a pelican or two. The whole drive a solitary vulture would fly by from time to time. I like to think it was the same one just traveling down the road with me.