Yes, yes great drive. Should have taken a shower before I went. Got to eat Manju’s lunch today, idli and cilantro chutney, and practice was great. Thinking of myself though...not happening in a good way.
As much as some people have tried to push onto me I am not a monk. I am not a buddha. I am not Jesus. I am just me and I struggle with that. All the talking about nonattachment and lose one’s ego affects my vision of myself. You want nonattachment well the easiest thing for me to forget about is me. What do I matter in the grand scheme. People suffer in this world and I’m able to drive to Florida for a yoga workshop. Fuck me. This gets enforced in me with a feeling leaked into the “yoga” world that the ego needs shattering. What if I never had one(I’m sure I do have one don’t get me wrong). What am I shattering with no ego?
I shatter any remaining awareness of my needs. My self crumbles along with my self-esteem, self-worth, confidence. Leaving me to think of others before myself. Which makes my want to put other’s needs in front of mine superficial. Probably just feeding their hungry ego. And everyone’s empty at the end.
I am not a monk. I may have made a good one but not in this life. I have been awarded with the opportunity to spare some devotion for myself. I bet monks even do things to stay happy. Am I? Fuck life right. Life is not easy.
I am not a buddha. I may have made a good one...I’m just kidding. I wouldn’t know the first place to start. I thought it would be kindness but as life goes on I learn that I don’t know the difference between “correct” kindness and facade kindness.
I am not Jesus. I may look similar to how the west depicts the maybe historical maybe not middle eastern figure but I don’t have the confidence to start revolution. You could nail be to a stake for pain does remind me I’m alive.
People loose so many powerful words in the western world. Loose these words without thinking of their effects. Words like forget yourself, be nonattachment, “puff out your kidneys,” or much worse phrases. Some of us take these to heart. A teacher said them they must have meaning behind them. I bring the words into my life. I dig myself into a nice deep hole. Dark to shield my vision. Dark, beginning to forget which way is up. Their is that bright star in the sky that passes over top and reveals the exit. Thankful I do yoga and wish I was some kind of ninja. I may be able to plant my hands and feet on the sides of these dirty walls and climb from this hole. Then plop an outhouse over it and shit in it while thinking of myself and how I can be happy. Through finding myself happiness I show others that it’s possible. Go back to being an example and not a self-prescribed servant. Easy to say.
I am Shiva but we’re all Shiva.